Difficult child. Interesting adult.

When you’re feeling frustrated about your child’s behaviour, just remember, your difficult child is going to grow up to be an interesting adult.

2a

Wayne Dyer said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Qualities that are difficult in a child might serve him well as an adult. 

  • Stubborn = strong-willed, sets goals and works toward them
  • Defiant = is confident enough to speak honestly to authority figures
  • Disorganized = is more interested in the big picture, not a details person
  • Doesn’t listen = focuses well on his own projects, is able to ignore distractions
  • Argumentative = intelligent, passionate, excellent verbal skills

“Difficult” is in the eyes of the beholder. A difficult child is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be understood.

All behaviour is logical. What is the deeper meaning behind the difficult behaviour?

  • I want more freedom and control in my life. This doesn’t mean letting them have everything they want. It means giving them more freedom and control – within boundaries.
  • I feel that no one “gets” me. What does it mean to “get” a child? It means to feel empathy for them. It means to really listen to what they’re saying and take them seriously.
  • I have energy I need to burn off. Get outside. Move. Exercise.
  • I’m bored. I don’t feel challenged. This is especially the case with highly intelligent children.
  • I need more attention from Mom and Dad. Some children need more attention than others – within the same family. If they can’t get it in positive ways, they will get it in negative ways. Give to each according to their needs. You cannot spoil a child with love.

We think of children as difficult when they do not behave in ways we like. We need to provide them with two things: freedom within structure.

The 4 F’s of discipline:

Few: Your list of rules should be short. These are your non-negotiables, your battles worth fighting. Put them up on the fridge door. Review them periodically.

Fair: Talk about these rules as a family. What are the logical reasons behind them? Let your kids participate in this discussion rather than decreeing from above. Decide in advance what the consequences will be – ideally with buy-in from your kids.

Fast: When a rule is violated, follow the “Act, don’t yak!” rule. Simply impose the consequence. No need for long sermons or lectures. Make sure the consequences have a reasonable time limit (for example, one day without the iPad), so that you can start fresh again.

Firm: Listen to the push back then let it go. It’s my job to set boundaries. It’s your job to push back against them. We’re both doing our job.

The daily struggle to meet the needs of a “difficult” child will be just that, a daily struggle. Take one day at a time. At the end of a bad day, rebuild the interpersonal bridge by making nurturing contact with the child. The next day, push the reset button – no grudges or references to the past. Most of all, have a sense of humour. Maybe you don’t even have a difficult child – maybe you’re a “difficult parent.” lol

2c

 

What Your Child Means When They Say “I Hate You!”

When children become angry and frustrated with us, it usually has to do with issues of power and control.

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We are always trying to strike a balance between controlling and managing our children on the one hand and giving them the freedom to decide for themselves on the other.

All children are looking for autonomy. They want to be their own boss. This is a good thing. We want to raise children who are self-starting, self-directing and self-regulating. How do we get there? By giving our children freedom of choice and the responsibility that comes with it.

All behaviour is logical. A parent’s job is to try to figure out the logic behind a particular behaviour.

When kids say, “I hate you” it could simply mean they feel a loss of power and control. In this situation all they have left is their “attitude” – which they express through words and actions.

Viktor Frankl, the great Austrian psychologist who survived the concentration camps of Nazi Germany said,

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

This is what kids are doing when they say “I hate you.” They are choosing an attitude that will leave them with some remaining sense of power and control in a situation where they feel they have none. It can be seen as a positive and healthy reaction to the limitations they honestly feel.

The only question parents have to ask is: Are the limitations I am imposing on my child reasonable – or are they arbitrary? Are they for the benefit of the child, or am I just satisfying my own need for power and control?

Barbara Coloroso suggests three questions parents can ask themselves when deciding to say yes or no:

  1. Is it harmful to yourself?
  2. Is it harmful to someone else?
  3. Does it violate a moral code?

“I hate you.” Big words for big feelings.

These words are not to be taken as an overall assessment of your relationship. They are the child’s way of dealing with strong feelings. The wise adult needs to understand what’s behind these words, not punish them, fear them or feel guilty about them. Your child doesn’t hate you. Your child loves you and feels safe enough to tell you what they really feel.

What is the appropriate response?

“I can see you’re angry. I understand your frustration, but this is a decision I have to make.”

When the child has a meltdown on the kitchen floor or runs into their room and slams the door, we just have to wait until the storm passes. Let the child have their feelings. There is nothing to be cured, stopped, solved or punished. It’s messy for a while, but it will pass. Deep down the child knows you care.

But the most important fundamental question remains: Are your limitations fair and reasonable or are they an arbitrary exercise of your own power and need for control? Could you just as well have said yes or arrived at some kind of compromise? Freedom teaches responsibility. Excessive control teaches learned helplessness and passivity.