When you’re feeling frustrated about your child’s behaviour, just remember, your difficult child is going to grow up to be an interesting adult.
Wayne Dyer said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
Qualities that are difficult in a child might serve him well as an adult.
- Stubborn = strong-willed, sets goals and works toward them
- Defiant = is confident enough to speak honestly to authority figures
- Disorganized = is more interested in the big picture, not a details person
- Doesn’t listen = focuses well on his own projects, is able to ignore distractions
- Argumentative = intelligent, passionate, excellent verbal skills
“Difficult” is in the eyes of the beholder. A difficult child is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be understood.
All behaviour is logical. What is the deeper meaning behind the difficult behaviour?
- I want more freedom and control in my life. This doesn’t mean letting them have everything they want. It means giving them more freedom and control – within boundaries.
- I feel that no one “gets” me. What does it mean to “get” a child? It means to feel empathy for them. It means to really listen to what they’re saying and take them seriously.
- I have energy I need to burn off. Get outside. Move. Exercise.
- I’m bored. I don’t feel challenged. This is especially the case with highly intelligent children.
- I need more attention from Mom and Dad. Some children need more attention than others – within the same family. If they can’t get it in positive ways, they will get it in negative ways. Give to each according to their needs. You cannot spoil a child with love.
We think of children as difficult when they do not behave in ways we like. We need to provide them with two things: freedom within structure.
The 4 F’s of discipline:
Few: Your list of rules should be short. These are your non-negotiables, your battles worth fighting. Put them up on the fridge door. Review them periodically.
Fair: Talk about these rules as a family. What are the logical reasons behind them? Let your kids participate in this discussion rather than decreeing from above. Decide in advance what the consequences will be – ideally with buy-in from your kids.
Fast: When a rule is violated, follow the “Act, don’t yak!” rule. Simply impose the consequence. No need for long sermons or lectures. Make sure the consequences have a reasonable time limit (for example, one day without the iPad), so that you can start fresh again.
Firm: Listen to the push back then let it go. It’s my job to set boundaries. It’s your job to push back against them. We’re both doing our job.
The daily struggle to meet the needs of a “difficult” child will be just that, a daily struggle. Take one day at a time. At the end of a bad day, rebuild the interpersonal bridge by making nurturing contact with the child. The next day, push the reset button – no grudges or references to the past. Most of all, have a sense of humour. Maybe you don’t even have a difficult child – maybe you’re a “difficult parent.” lol